Good Morning

 Greetings- 

1) for March 3 - Being accountable to the gods of March Personal Challenge. I already have not blogged EVERY DAY quite a bit. Argh. Brains can be not-our-friends in this meeting one's own challenges thing. Some get zipped through. Others refuse to happen. (Sips the 1/4 Caribou Decaf grounds-3/4 Teeccino French Roast chicory grounds stuff. Because it makes me kinda think I'm drinking real coffee. Caffeine is no longer my close personal friend.... I miss it.) On to pecking at the keyboard. High school typing class does not bring many good memories. A few - but not many. As with life - I'm ok with the alphabet - it's the numbers that muck stuff up.

Just putting "Mr. Mustard" here to remind me to get back to work at making art. Today holds part of a shift at American Gothic Antiques in Stillwater, Minnesota. We have had booth space upstairs there since September 1, 1993. The same day that we moved into this house on the top of the hill. I drew the first bear in October 1997 upstairs in the shop - at the same nondescript brown wooden desk that I will sit at today. You might never know when a little change in habit will change your life for the next twenty years.

2) for March 4 - Pretending that is another blog post - this may become the pattern. Ye olde thing about starting is hard - keeping going is easy. Many of us know this to be true. The laptop is frozen shut in huge block of ice (not really) so cannot be accessed so how can I blog? I can't - because the the laptop is encased in a huge block of imagined ice. So - whew! A "reason" - not an excuse! Except - there IS NO ICE. There is only excuse. Yesterday's "reasons" that the writing did not happen is because there was other writing that got done, clothes got folded, Facebook got attended to, some sketching got done, and a three hour chat over coffee with a friend - yes, we were masked when we weren't sipping). Oh, and I made delicious gluten-free pancakes (Pamela brand) for dinner. With real maple syrup from family syrup-making. Soooo... there must have been "no" time to blog yesterday. The lies we tell ourselves. I could have blogged about pancakes. Many people blog about pancakes. On to  "Day Next" - 

3) for March 5 - Soft guitar and piano jazz is coming out of the laptop while classical stuff from Minnesota Public Radio is mixing with that. Keep "loud" tinnitus brain almost sane. Distractify! Otherwise the "loud" chiming buzz (only one variety of "sound" the head hears constantly) keeps me company every waking hour. I cannot speak of living with constant pain or the oddness of one's body attacking itself through other afflictions, but I can speak of the weariness of "hearing" "loud" vibrating not-sound for almost ten years. Millions deal with this affliction in various degrees - the idea of tinnitus used to interest me - everything interests me... - so the universe said "Study THIS, mofo." No school holidays, either. Haha. Gotta "laugh." I learn much from friends, family, and others dealing with far worse. Still not quite at Zen acceptance - though with change in diet and other practices  - well, I haven't cried about this in many years. On to the chiming roaring day - hooray!

4) March 6 - Now I'm just typing for typing's sake. May dig a real machine out of the basement treasures - just to see what happens. It seems that different thoughts and words happen with the use of different writing implements. Pens spill different words than pencils scribble. Almost-soundless laptop squares tick different thoughts than pounded typewriter keys. That's OK. We need them all.

And so - ta da - counting the above blither as four blogging posts. Why? Because I can. On to checking off a few more boxes in the Week of Life.

Fare-thee-well,

Sue

Cranky

Cranky the last few days because the tinnitus "volume" won't dial down - meds or no meds.

And, yes, I probably did this to myself over the weekend - foods I Enjoyed might be torturing head for temporary Joy.

Sorry to be so boring in the typing of this over and over. I can be a quick learner or a never learner. Hoping that the "vibrating steam roar" between ears subsides some and gives me yet another chance at learning. To paraphrase the comic "Pogo" - "I have met the enemy  and it is me."

Onward - but not to Spring. Winter is forever this year. The spindly seedlings yearn for more light and deeper pots. The weekend hold only more cold, rain, and snow. I am sorry little tomatoes, flowers, and potential garden goodies...

On to another semi-happier topic:

If you are a creative type - a good read is "Make It Mighty Ugly." Authored by Kim Piper Werker it is full of honesty and helpful prompts and exercises. This book makes one aware and accountable - if one wants to be aware and accountable. It was good quotes - "Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat." This was from F. Scott Fitzgerald.

One that strikes way to close to home: "When I realize I've been staring at a blank page for ten minutes, or that I've spend two hours in a Twitter-Tumblr-Facebook-Instgram K-hole, I think of all the productive things I could have done with that time." - Ann Friedman, Journalist

It's a tiny bit comforting that we are not alone in our not-doing, but yet not so much.

Werker speaks of Procrastination Demons..... Hmmm, I have no experience with THOSE. (hahaha)

Every page has a nugget or two of suggestions or information. Her honesty about dealing with her own creative life is refreshing in a "damn, you, too?" kind of way.

Her advise to to make something - and make it UGLY - on purpose.

There is much more to this small book than the above.

Dang. I might have to stop reading - and get back to some actual Doing. Time to take off the headphones forcing soothing meditation music into head, sip one last cold sip of de-caf, and head up the hill to the rest of the evening.

At least one person is coming to the first Wednesday night Art Evening (Use Up Sue's Art Supplies) that we've held in a few weeks. So parts of the house are cleaner and a few art supplies will get used up. We might make ugly stuff. We might just make LOVELY stuff. It is all in the daring to do.

Let's dare it! (Ding ding ding ding! - head just wanted to chime in, too.)

Fare-thee-well,
Sue

Argh and Sigh and I Don't Want to Cry

Just a seriously silent"loud" bitch about dealing with tinnitus these past couple of days.

I am trying to eat and drink so carefully.
Yes, I took the morning pill.
AND YET THE HEAD IS "SCREAMING." Constantly.

It might be air pressure. 
It might be stress.
It could be almost anything.

I am trying almost my best to deal with it.
But today it's wearing me down.

Yes, I KNOW that so many others have far more SERIOUS maladies.
No, this isn't particularly Painful.
But there are so many kinds of Pain...

This seriously sucks right now - and I
will quit typing and get back to the day's tasks.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

The day's pleasures? It's hard to tell.
Back to the 1930's version of "Scrooge" on You Tube.

Carry on.
And I will do the same.

Fare-thee-well,
Sue the Inside the Petcock of a Steaming Pressure Cooker

WHEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Tinnitus Tirade

Yes, I know that others have far heavier life burdens - but this is mine, and the past week it's almost taken me to the ground.

In late 2011 the head began experienced tinnitis (ringing in the ears) all day every day. Pulsatile (every heart beat) and the regular kinds - "sounds" that can vary from dentist's drills to "whoom whoom" to constant loud "thunder." Many "big" tests - not even tiny answers. Scientists think they know why this happens, and it happens to MANY MANY people in various degrees of "loudness," but for now there are no answers or real cures. We just go dinging through our days.

I try to keep mine to a standable (Yes, I know this isn't a real word) level most of the time by attention to diet, exercize, and TRYING to keep stress level down. Air pressure can also be a factor. And I take one small prescribed pill each morning - and on rare days I take two. I do not like taking two a day - but sanity has it's cost. And radio headphones are boon companions... As are a variety of sound distractions from the You Tube. Waves to Tibetan ringing bowls.

Anyway...., life usually manages to go along at a level that I don't constantly go around bitching. And I haven't cried about this is well over two years. (Used to allow one serious cry a month.) But the past four days. - well... for some reason the "sound" is most often at "8 of 10." "Hearing" this non-existant "ever sound" is wearing brain and spirit out. But there is much to be done! And I would like to do it in Sue Style  - upbeat, enthusiastically, sense of humor, yadda yadda yadda. Sigh. Get up. Get moving. Get along, little doggie.

Took a pill about half an hour a go so am expecting level of "sound" to be down a few pegs for maybe an hour or two. One appreciates any lowering of the level.

Yes, brain is thinking of you everyday heroes who go on through your days bearing your bundles of crappy life stuff and yet live your kind smiling helpful lives. I use you as meditation motivation. I think of Helen Keller. I think of FDR. Certain sports people. The No excuses people who surround us every day. A goal is to be one of those for others. I do not know how our heroes handle their bad days. You know how you handle yours.

Enough pissy moany. We are lucky enough to be breathing in another day. We've almost made it through October. On to November and it's Challenges. Parts of our family know it's always The Best Year Ever! Time for tea, toast,  and the "sounds" and sights of the day. One Christmas cactus is starting to bud! The bluebirds versus the grey squirrels has been very entertaining so far this fall feeding season.

Thanks for putting up with the bitching. I will try keeping it to a minimum. I envy you your ability to consume the season's candy intake. LOL. At least a little! Ever onward. Back to dealing with  bears.

Fare-thee-well,
Sue

Better - 22

Day Two at the State Fair has been postponed till later date.
If my feet could talk, they might be whispering, "Thank you."
Walked a small blister that I didn't notice until this morning.

Things I DIDN'T see yesterday:
1) cows
2) porkers
3) DNR pool of many fish
4) bunnies
5) Dairy Building with butter Princesses
6) The Coliseum
7) favorite craft beer/music place
8) the area where Heritage Square used to be
9) Education Building (kids' art is often better than big peoples' art)
10) Miracle of Birth barn
11) horses

So many reasons to return.

Yesterday I ate so many things I seldom eat these days - Sweet Martha's Cookies. Our family of four used to share a paper cone of these horribly lovely hot small chocolate chip cookies. Yesterday - just Todd and me. Way too much yummy sugar and gluten for my head. Was I done? HAHAHAHA

Bring on a slice of Green Mill pepperoni pizza, a little beer, onion rings, a little more beer. Tasty samples of wine slushes, spicy soups, maple syrup infused with bourbon (my FAV sample), little pretzels dipped into various dips, a quick Kemps ice cream sample as I didn't see the LONG LINE of people because we just came onto the sample tables from the other "short" side - haha and "I'm sorry, people in the "legal" line!" That ice cream was my second favorite sample. Oh, the Peace Coffee sample - always a fav.

Salt, sugar, gluten, alcohol, caffeine, strong spices. A Master List of what not to consume if you have tinnitus.

Oh, and a Swedish cookie - purchased by a pal. I wanted till coming home and making a lovely cup of tea before chomping that tasty few bites. Adding a bit of dark chocolate added to the pleasure - of yesterday.

Today's head is a ringing buzzing combo of cicadas and electricity -  good thing I know the cause. And can sort of smile as I type.

Maybe it's a good thing that Life is not aways Fair.

Fare-thee-well!
Two more tickets to go!
 - Sue

Better - 16

Visits to coffee shops almost always leave me "better." Today's hour or two, well... maybe a bit more than two... again did the deed.

My tinnitus head had been unceasingly "LOUD" the past three days. Yes, I take the little helpful pill, but it wasn't helping much. Yes, it was much my own fault. Eating far more salty and sugary treats than usual, plus a bit of bourbon... and perhaps a sip or two of real coffee. One forgets that a bit of one or another from time to time usually doesn't spike the "sound," but a weekend of too much feasting on the stuff seldom sampled... Well, lesson re-re-re-re-re-learned. Again. Sigh.

This morning the brain was pretty much my friend again - and just in time. There is always too much to do, but without energy and urge, well, heck, let's just dink around all day and accomplish the barest minimum. Sure, I'm good with that. For way to many hours this year.

Morning and noon-time passed well. Bills paid, emails mailed, even a load of laundry finished. Garden photographed - yay, garden! But no art created. And artists probably should spend a bit of time now and then actually creating something that might be called art.

Luckily, that magic red bag from IKEA that daughter Tara gave me for Christmas is big enough to carry a small but wide variety of art supplies. 

After three o'clock I knew it was time to to escape. Now or never. NOW! A small table at Stillwater's Daily Grind was open. I caught up on various newspaper sports pages, rigged the laptop up to play good soft jazz (headphones on), and dug out that stuff that some of us use to make our stuff.

Here are two of three little doings with Pentel Pocket Brush Pen and various washes with gouache.

Paper is "whiter" than shown on monitor. And I truly was goofing off. Daring to trust the brush pen. Had I done more, the lines would have become more sure. But time was speeding by. 

There was also time for two chats with two guys about a wide variety of topics. The men knew eachother, and one of them I'd met before. Or so he said. Each chat was interesting, and I learned things about young people and I learned things about Main Street Stillwater. Time well spent.

But now it's time to mat the drawings and keep preparing for our weekend in Green Bay, Wisconsin. My home state is always pulling at me, though hubby points out that I've lived in Minnesota far longer than I did in Cheeseland. Doesn't matter. Packer Backer forever and always. And always fun to drive past Lambeau Field a time or two during ArtStreet.

Sigh and darkness is falling. 
It's only 8 P.M. 
It's 8 P.M. already!

On to the adventure of the evening.

Fare-thee-well,
and ArtStreet - here we come!
- Sue

Sugar: Thoughts

Once upon a time sugar, in all it's many forms, was taken for granted.
I scooped it onto cereal, poured it into the Kool-Ade pitcher, snuck sugar cubes from the stash we kept for our Shetland Ponies.

Now... sadly, or for good... sugar and my body, especially my head do not play well together. Boo hoo/hooray?

I have not purchased a bag of sugar in over six years. This looks strange to even see typed. But it is true. And life has gone on.

My dealing with tinnitus and daughter dealing with other health issues brought us, several years ago, to sharing a quite restricted diet. Especially in regards to sugar. We began reading food labels with serious intent. We learned to bake with other sweet-ish ingredients. We learned to enjoy foods with little or no sugar added. It CAN be done. 

No pop/soda. Or maybe just a sip of Coca Cola for me. I have not had a whole glass or can of pop since the winter of '11-'12. Can be done. I've never been a fan of sweet tea, so plain iced tea is peachy keen. Water with lemon is delicious. 

When I do indulge, and art fair season can be a challenge on many points, yes, the mouth and brain SO enjoy a good doughnut or scone, but the day after's "louder ringing" that fills head for next day or two.... well, those darned "I did this to myself AGAIN" emotions.

Yesterday I ate a delicious Mexican chocolate biscotti. And now plan to abstain from as much sugar as possible for as long as I can. This weekend holds the Grand Marais Art Fair. Grand Marais is home to The World's Greatest Doughnuts. So.... we shall see. If intake is limited to one per day I will consider this a limited moral victory. I do not plan to stockpile doughnuts. I used to stockpile these doughnuts. Plain or chocolate-iced, in particular... I will be sad, but the head will stay sane.

On to continued prepping for the summer art festivals.
And crossing things off the ever-growing lists.

Two little 3" x 3" canvases await experiementing with brush and goauche. Just to see what happens. John Coltrane is trying to out-do the always-ringing in ears. Sometimes heart/head pulse "cymbals" synch up with digital soundtrack. That's at least always interesting.

It is seldom too late to challenge oneself to a 21 or 30 day Personal Challenge. Sometimes they are fun. Sometimes not. But they ARE a way to learn about oneself. I learned that I can be thought of as a"sweet" person - haha - without much help with those tiny tasty crystals.

You CAN fool some of the people some of the time!

Fare-thee-well,
Sue

www.suerowe.com
Facebook Page: Sue-Rowe-Studios

Cheating/Catching Up - 3

This will be read in reverse order - so this will be Post Three today, though it will be the first typed. Just do a "Star Wars" thing in your brain.

What's on mind? Mostly a serious constant blast of tinnitus "HHHHHIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS." Perhaps brought on by salty delicious Mexican meal last night, along with a shot of Jamison whiskey? Sigh. One is always gambling with the constant not-real "sound" vs some short-term real enjoyment. I was fine last evening. Minor usual steam/high tension wire "sound." But today it laid me low. Hard to get thoughts through a wall of solid "sound felting."

On these harder days I  channel personal heroes - folks I know have survived far worse, and done more.

Some are friends and relatives. Some are people I have read about or listened to. Many are living. Some are not. The point is to NOT FOCUS on the crap in one's head, but instead look outward and/or inward to beauty, music, and helpful words, and hope for a better day or hour or few minutes. Think them and they will come. Whew.

We all have our ways of dealing with our days....

And now I must get on to typing Parts 2 and 1. Thinking like a woodblock artist! Last is first. First is last.

Fare-thee-well,

Sue

Desk and Journals - 9

Thoughts and actions while continuing the cleaning of The Junk Drawer - 15 minutes worth, but worth it.

1) I want to have the energy of squirrels.
2) I don't particularly care for the cereal grain, quinoa. Tried. Tried Tried. Failed.
3) The white noise of You Tube waterfalls doesn't stop the shaking in my head. (medical mystery continues)
4) Will we get Lucky at Goodwill today? (No.)
5) Even Schubert on radio and waterfalls on computer don't drown out chiming.
6) The grey squirrels still can't do the black squirrel "trick" of getting to the cylindrical bird feeder and it's suet container. They can get to the feeder top - but the next step, so to speak, is still beyond them. Educational and entertaining.
7) I've tossed an original bear drawing from 1998. Sorry Tina Bear.
8) Saved original drawing of Steve Bear from 1998. Text on drawing: All night long Steve waited for the fun to begin. And into the early morning hours as well. (Who knew how fitting this is to living right now?) Steve, ol' lad, you're safe for now.
9) Tossed old Sojourner Studios model horse tack order forms. Memories of a former life. Four-month backlogs of orders for tiny leather saddles, bridles, harnesses. Twenty years of good memories.Yes, you might live many lives. By choice or by circumstance. Make the most of each life you live - and move on, if possible, if you feel that the current one is not the one that's making you want to wake up and start the day. (Do as I say, not as I do - hahaha.)
10) Saved numbered forms from previous Name the Bread contests. Numbered to 20, plus an Extra Credit space. Wow. We must have been ambitious in the party's bread sculpting that year. This year we managed ten doughy creations. (If you get bored with living knead some bread dough and shape it into whatever you choose. The rising dough may surprise you - but it might be fun, and, cross-fingers, the results will be delicious.)

So that's it for 15 minutes in my chinging dinging brain. The drawer is 15 minutes more organized, blogging's accomplished, and much of the day remains.

One on-going pastel project:

It's a bit more finished now, but you can see how the playing starts.

MUST PLAY MORE!!!!!

On to the art fair applications.
Fare-thee-well,
Sue

Hunker Down

To honor the possibility of Spring and Summer coming, here is an image from last year's What We Need is Here group's field trip to Willow River in Wisconsin.

This is not me hunkering down, but another's attempt to photograph a gold leaf and a spiderweb among the assorted greeneries and branches and roots and water in this beautiful area.

The act of hunkering is something I'm finding hard to do these days - pulsatile tinnitus for over three months takes over parts of head and the constant "ding ding ding" "chime chime chime" over-powers the "get to work" "ignore those phantom cubs with cymbals."

Must get mad enough to rise up, get some exercise, and then re-hunker to do the daily deeds.

Deeds today: work on new "Happy here" pastel, enter art fairs, pack an order, Enjoy Life, re-watch the Kevin Kling interview with Krista Tippet (there's Inspiration for ya!), bitch less, laugh more.

How do you deal with those life tests and daily hurdles? Head for studio? Head for out-doors?

"Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost. Sometime, somewhere, somehow we shall find that which we seek." - Helen Keller

Fare-thee-well,

Sue

Getting Back in Practice

It's been an interesting bunch of weeks, with no end in sight. As a usually really healthy person I am getting bored with tinnitus, lack of get-up-and-go, that one ER trip in the middle of the night where Panic Attack was diagnosed, and other stuff.

However, I now feel EPATHY for folks dealing with tinnitus, fatigue, panic attacks, and other stuff. And the spouses and friends who keep hanging around.

Friends have shared life stories I'd not heard before. Some good. Some bad.

I have to Buck Up, Little Soldier, and head into this possible New Normal. Gotta get funny. Gotta get to work.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, and please don't mention bells around my head.

- Fare-thee-well,

Sue